Ask Harriet
by cresmoon
Summary: When our favorite PB people need advice, who do they turn to? Why, Dr. Gregory House, of course! This is a sillyficcrackfic mildly crossing over wmy other favorite show, House but you don't have to be a House fan to understand this.


Title: Ask Harriet

Rating: PG? Again, I have no clue. For that matter I don't even think any of you pay attention to these ratings.

Genre: humor/crackfic, slight _House_ crossover but you don't have to be a _House_ fan to understand this (though I highly recommend the show)

Disclaimer: I don't own _PB_ or _House_ and I'm not making any money off this. I'm just a poor student.

Summary: Our beloved PB characters have problems and have decided to write to a newspaper advice columnist. Little do they know they're getting advice from the crankiest, most acerbic, Vicodin-addicted doctor ever, Dr. Gregory House. Again, you won't find much reality in this, but the show itself isn't that realistic either (C-Note's wife still hasn't discovered he was kicked out of the army? Oh, please).

Note: Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed my earlier fics; you guys are so nice! Hope you all enjoy this one. It'll be my last one for at least a while unless I get an idea and absolutely have to write it. I never thought the first two I wrote were crackfic but this one definitely is. Not that I'm not a huge M/S shipper myself but it seems like M/S is all you find in this fandom, and I don't know about you all, but every now and then I just want to read something different. (If you're particularly attached to any of the _Prison Break_ characters, you might not want to read this because it's kind of mean).

Ask Harriet

Dr. Gregory House frowned. Had it been a mistake to offer to fill in as the advice paper columnist for Cuddy's cousin in exchange for no clinic hours for a month?

"Now then, Dr. House, here's your office," chirped Erma, the office assistant who led him to a small cubicle in the corner of the newsroom which was no bigger than a large walk-in closet. Who was this newspaper run by, munchkins? "I'll be giving you the mail you're going to answer every morning. Let me know if you have any questions."

"Yeah, I have a question!" barked House. He didn't really value politeness. "Why does the column title say 'Ask Harriet'? I may only be a doctor but I know that name is usually reserved for people w/girly bits, and I could've sworn I don't have those!"

Erma shifted uncomfortably as House reached for his favorite snack – Vicodin. He popped two pills into his mouth and glared.

"Well, you see, Dr. House, Cuddy told us that, er, you're a mean, cranky doctor and we don't need to disclose that a mean, cranky doctor is answering our advice column instead of a nice, kindly woman. So your alias is Harriet. See ya!" Nervously, Erma swept out of the room before House could ask if he had to wear drag.

House sat down at his new desk. Cuddy was going to be on the business end of his cane soon enough anyway. He had work to do. He read through all the mail, most of which had come from the Fox River Penitentiary in Chicago. He had to be nice in his responses, Cuddy had said. Oh, great (NOT).

"Dear Harriet,  
I've been trying to break out of prison for a really long time and nothing is working out. My girlfriend, I mean, my doctor hates me and my mob boss friend who's providing the escape plane has turned freakily religious. Last week he asked the warden if he could watch the season finale of _7th Heaven _in his cell! What should I do?  
-Toeless and confused"

"Dear Toeless,  
Tell the mob boss that _7th Heaven_ got cancelled ages ago. It's not true but no one actually watches that show anyway since that hot Jessica Biel chick left. Also buy a copy of _Prison Breaking For Dummies_, 'cause clearly you're the target audience for that one. And lay off the pedicures.  
-Harriet"

"Dear Harriet,  
I got this prisoner, I mean, friend to help me build a scale-model of the Taj Mahal for my wedding anniversary but I think my wife would rather have some expensive jewelry instead. But I, I mean my friend, built this model and I thought women liked that kind of sentimental junk. What should I do?  
-Desperate non-househusband

"Dear Desperate,  
You _think_ your wife would rather have nice jewelry instead of something you (oh, I'm sorry, your _friend_) made out of tinkertoys? The next time you're in New Jersey, come by and I'll schedule you for a free MRI and fix your have brain injuries.

Are you high? Give her the damn jewelry! Sentiment is for cheapskates!  
-Harriet"

"Dear Harriet,  
What should I wear to my wedding? A tux would be nice but then I'd have to rip off the convenience store w/the bad muzak again and I ain't gonna do that.  
-Clueless and soon to be escaped from prison groom

"Dear Clueless,  
Good to know you signed this w/your real name. Why don't you just wear a black and white striped jumpsuit? That way, when the cops cart you off, you won't have to change clothes. And when they shoot you for escaping, you can be the new answer to that riddle 'what's black and white and red all over?'  
-Harriet"

"Dear Harriet,  
I'm the meanest and evilest prison guard ever but there's these loony Secret Service and other conspiracy people trying to steal my thunder outside the prison! But I wanna be the evillest! I let someone's toes get cut off and act like a real meanie to all the other prisoners and a whole bunch of other really evil stuff but I'm still not the evillest. What should I do?  
-Eviller than you

"Dear Eviller,  
Eviller than me? Hah! I've made babies cry. I've accused people of lying to their face! I've been a meanie to really, really sick people! I've blackmailed Cuddy w/compromising pictures of her and you think you are eviler than me? Oh, please. If you were here right now I'd send you back to kiddie Evil school. Now go away. You're boring me.  
-Harriet"

"Dear Harriet,  
I know this guy who I thought liked me but I think he doesn't really 'cause he used me but then he saved me from this really scary crowd once and after that he gave me a paper flower and then he kissed me but lately I just don't know anymore. What should I do?  
-Receiving mixed messages

"Dear Receiving,  
I'm an advice columnist, not your bestest friend evah! from sixth grade. If you want help w/girly problems, watch _Sex and the City_ or one of those teenybopper movies with those toothpick-sized 'young Hollywood' chippies. Buy a copy of _He's Just Not That Into You_ and get a life.  
-Harriet"

"Dear Harriet,  
My wife is starting to get suspicious because I told her I'm in the desert serving the army when I'm really in prison. What should I do?  
-Deceiving and worried

"Dear Deceiving,  
I hope your wife is as lousy at geography as she is at picking husbands. Tell her that you're in the new branch of the army guarding crazy criminals whose wives are better off divorced. Then send her a year's supply of Prozac and shut up.  
-Harriet"

"Dear Harriet,  
I think my ex-boyfriend still likes me but he might be getting the electric chair soon so we might not be getting back together. What should I do?  
-Dumped and hating it

"Dear Dumped,  
If you were my girlfriend and more worried about your love life while I was about to get fried, I'd dump you too – in a river. After I ran over you a few hundred times with my car. Or better yet w/an 18-wheeler. Have a nice day!  
-Harriet"

House sat back and smiled. It felt so good to help people w/their problems…although it didn't feel this good to be so nice.


End file.
